I didn’t plan on becoming an unofficial expert in co-parenting. But looking back, it can almost seem like my life was demanding it.

My life has included a wide range of experiences that allowed me to bear witness to healthy and unhealthy co-parenting. The result is 4 separate perspectives. Before I offer any thoughts or tips on the subject, I think it’s important to share a tiny bit about what those are.

Product of Co-Parenting:

My parents divorced when I was 4. I had a stepmom for several years and I have a stepdad. The divorce, custody, and co-parenting dynamics were complex and painful. My relationship with my father was complicated. The impact of these adverse childhood experiences have shaped my life and who I am.

Professional Involvement with Co-Parenting:

Through my work, I became intimately involved in the lives of many kids and families as they struggled through the complexities and consequences of co-parenting decisions. Through this involvement, I began to notice the trends and tendencies of human nature involved. I also saw how social, government, and family systems can support or exacerbate things.

Partner of a Co-Parent:

I started dating my husband when his daughter was 5. I stumbled my way through trying to provide non-judgmental support and share my personal and professional insights. I strived to build a relationship with his daughter and be respectful to her mother. All of this while contemplating the potential impact on all of our futures. It was a wild ride – and not an easy one – but I learned a lot.

Co-Parenting:

After my husband (then boyfriend) and his daughter moved in with me when she was 6, my role as “Daddy’s friend” very slowly evolved into more of a parental figure. I officially became a stepmom when she was 9. Now, I am actively involved in most parenting decisions (although my role varies based on the situation). The trials, tribulations and rewards have been deep and plentiful.

One of the best compliments I have ever received, was my stepdaughter proudly telling her friends that all of her parents (including her Dad, her Mom, myself, and her siblings’ Dad) get along and sit together at events. As she ages and our lives change, we all continue to have to learn and adapt. However, I am fully confident in our ability to be a stable team for her as she transitions into college and adulthood.

My overall takeaway?

Co-Parenting is REALLY complicated. For a million different reasons.

WAAAAAY too complicated for a single blog post. So if you clicked on this hoping for a quick fix or magical wand answers….you won’t find it here.

However – I also happen to think co-parenting is REALLY important. It isn’t talked about enough considering how many of us are affected by it and it can be challenging for friends and family to understand.

So….I plan to talk about it. And this is my first attempt.

When I sat down and simply asked myself, “What are some things I think people need to know about co-parenting?” I scribbled down a list. This is that scribble list with my reasons for why things landed on it. I hope you find some nugget of usefulness in it.

10 Tips for Co-Parenting

1) Think Long-Term.

Some day….your kid is going to be an adult reflecting on how what you did during their childhood affected them. That adult – will likely see through any bullshit you are selling them today. That adult – will know if you are making excuses and not dealing with your own shit. That adult – will know if you are truly focused on their needs or just pretending.

They are not going to remember who was right or who won the battle of the day/month/year. They won’t care. What they WILL remember….is how they felt and what you did, or didn’t do, to help them through everything that was happening in their world.

Did you show up? Did you fight for your relationship with them? Were you focused on them or the drama? Did they feel loved? Did they know that none of it was their fault? Did they feel responsible for your health, happiness or well-being? How did you handle it when you were wrong? Did you help them cope with their reality or brush it under the rug?

THOSE are the things that matter. Kids are resilient. But your relationship with them over time depends on you remembering that they are not just a kid…but a human being. A human being who will become an adult and know if you aren’t being one for them now.

2) Recognize Your Bias.

You have a history and a specific set of circumstances and experiences with the other parent involved. Your opinion of them is influenced and limited by that.

You also have an invested interest in decisions made about your child. It is impossible to totally separate your interests from your theirs so don’t think, expect or act like you can be truly objective. And don’t expect the other parent to be either.

Recognizing that this is a normal, natural part of the co-parenting process is helpful. And you can do things to mitigate the problems it could cause.

Look for where your bias is influencing you and question your motives. Seek out opportunities to expand your understanding beyond the scope of your own bias. That doesn’t mean just talking to a lawyer (who is either being paid, or wants to be paid to represent your interests) or your just talking to loyal family and friends (who will tell you that you that you are right and the other person is evil because they love you very much).

It means doing those things and talking to people who don’t know your situation. Talk to people with different perspectives and experiences than yours, dig into the research, read the books and blogs. LEARN on purpose so you can do better. Genuinely try to understand how other people may come to a different conclusion than you.

You don’t have to agree with everyone but use the information to question your bias and keep your self-righteousness in check.

3) Be the Bigger Person…Again. (And Again and Again)

You and your co-parent are going to push each other’s buttons. You are going to do things and say things that royally piss each other off. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes just by being who you are. And you are going to want to fight, and prove your point, and defend everything you are and what you stand for. And you are going to want to get the last word in, DAMNIT, because that comment was total bullshit and uncalled for!

And there will be times that you give in to that and it will feel REALLY good.

Right up until it doesn’t again. Because it will always feels bad again when you are in this cycle. And it never helps your kid. It is probably making things worse for them even if you can’t see how right now.

So take a deep breath. Don’t react in the moment. Take the emotional hit and process it when you are in a safe space that won’t escalate things. Wait until the next day to answer that call, text, email and have someone you trust help you think through how to say what actually needs to be said. Let them read it before you send it and help you cut the unnecessary stuff out.

Be BIGGER than any antics being thrown at you. Be BIGGER than the part of you that wants that wants to throw antics. And then repeat that again that every single day.

4) “Best for your child” may not feel the best to You.

We all believe we know what is best for our children. There are also legal definitions for “best interest” of the children. Yet actually making decisions about what is best for a child is extremely complicated when it involves multiple important people in that child’s life who don’t agree on what that is.

It can get really dirty. Mistakes and flaws of everyone involved are weaponized. “I am just doing what’s best for [insert baby/child name],” can get all twisted up in emotions and used to justify or defend actions that have very little (or absolutely nothing) to do with what is best for the child. We can convince ourselves we are doing what is best or right when we are actually protecting or serving ourselves in some way. Even if what we are doing IS “best” or “right”, underlying intentions and ulterior motives can poison it.

People often spend so much time focusing on what other people are doing that they think is not good for the child, that they actually create situations that are not good for the child. And they forget to think about what IS good for the child.

While working with families, I have heard “What’s best for the child” be used to keep a child away from a parent or situation (they/that are not what’s best for my child, they are just going to hurt him/her). I have also heard it used to justify giving up the fight (I am not what’s best for my child, they will be better off without me, or it will be better if I just stay out of it).

What is actually best for the child is hardly ever that simple. A healthy relationship with both parents is typically involved in what is truly best for them.

I have found practicing self-awareness and asking questions to be helpful in combatting this. When making a decision or forming an opinion about what is best for your child, ask yourself the hard questions:

What do I get out of this? How do I benefit? What am I afraid of? How might this help/hurt my relationship with my child? How might this help/hurt the relationship between my child and the other person/people? Are there other possible ways that may be harder for me, or take more effort, but may be better for my kid?

I’ve learned that a decent rule of thumb is this: If it is TRULY what is “best for the child”, it probably does not serve either parent fully, it may be be hard or uncomfortable, and it likely involves some sort of sacrifice or effort by one or both parties.

5) Be Careful with Your Words

A lot of parents figure if their child hears bad things, or thinks badly of the other parent, it is largely the fault of that parent for making whatever choice or mistake they made. They chalk it up to “the bed they made.”

It’s not exactly that simple though. That other parent….is directly linked to that child’s self-identity. As we grow up, our parents are a key reference point for who we are. Our parents each make up half of us. They link us to genetics, family history, heritage, and culture. If kids get the message one or both of the people who made them is bad, they will begin to internalize that and wonder if they are bad.

Childhood identity messages run deep and can be hard to unravel. That burden falls on the child, not the other parent. So for your child’s sake, be careful with your words. Here are a few specific strategies:

• Try not to talk in a way that undermines your co-parent’s credibility.
• Don’t use your words to compare or elevate yourself above the other co-parent.
• Be mindful of your tone and specific choice of words.
• Keep venting, negative or adult talk, and arguing out of sight and out of earshot. This includes phone/text/email conversations or other forms of communication that they could accidentally see or hear.
• Look for opportunities to verbalize recognition of positive things about the other parent.
• Talk to your child about how your relationship with their parent is completely separate from theirs.
• Explain what is happening in their life, honestly, but in age-appropriate ways without blaming.
• Use your words to thwart unhealthy interpretations or internalizations of what is happening around them.
• Do everything you can to support their understanding that they are not at fault for, or doomed to make, the flaws or mistakes of either of their parents.

6) WANT your Co-Parent to do Well.

Your co-parent doing well in life is good for your kid. Practice wanting them to succeed and overcome barriers in their life for the sake of your child.

Your co-parent and your child having a healthy, positive relationship to the greatest extent possible, is good for your kid. Support and foster that to the best of your ability.

Feeling safe, valued and loved is good for your kid. Help them develop a healthy and positive outlook on life and their parents’ situations. Teach empathy, compassion and forgiveness so they can understand that limitations in their life and relationships are not a representation of their value, worth or ability to be loved.

7) Don’t Confuse Fear or Anxiety with Actual Danger.

When I was working with families, I noticed a trend that disturbed me. Parents I talked to seemed to want to find out that something bad had happened to their child while they were in the care of their co-parent. This utterly confused me at first: Why would anyone WANT to find out that their child had been hurt or was in pain!?

The more I saw it, the more I learned. I don’t think these parents were terrible people who wanted their child to be sad or hurt. I think they were desperate parents who were seeing signs that their child was already sad and hurting and they were seeking answers. They wanted relief from the nagging guilt and fear hanging over their head that something they did (or are doing) is contributing to that pain.

They wanted validation for the agonizing terror and anxiety that plagued them every time their child was away and they couldn’t know what was happening or protect them. They were LOOKING (perhaps subconsciously) for something to confirm what they were already convinced of: “My child should be with me” or “my child shouldn’t be with them.”

When you are in this mindset, everything looks suspicious, objectivity is lost and reasonable explanation is dismissed. The only explanation that makes any sense is that the pain the child is experiencing is the other parent’s fault.

This can be extremely dangerous and traumatizing. It is damaging to a child when adults around them are providing a narrative for their life that doesn’t align with reality. It impacts their ability to accurately assess and understand their world and relationships. It undermine their sense of safety and can lead to survival responses that do not match actual events.

This is a tough one because we DO want to protect our children from actual harm. But the reality is that when a child is separated from a parent in some way, they are going to be impacted. Most will experience hurt, sadness and pain. It may not always APPEAR, at initial glance, to be related to the disconnection from their parent. This is NORMAL and should be expected to occur. Instead of looking for who is to blame for it, help your child manage and cope with negative and complicated feelings.

Of COURSE we need to be receptive and open if our children come to us with serious concerns about their safety or well-being, but we also need to be mindful of the tricks our mind and emotions can play on us. Otherwise, we risk causing them more harm.

Let’s try to not make this any harder on our kids than it already is.

8) Model Healthy Relationships

The messages children receive about love and relationships while they are young, STICK. Many of us spend years of our lives and many painful relationships unlearning these messages. Some never unlearn them and just keep recreating them in their own lives.

Every time you introduce new people into your kids life, remember that you are showing them what human connection looks and feels like. Please be careful and intentional with this responsibility.

First and foremost, make sure the people you bring around your kids are safe. Not everyone has good intentions and those that don’t are often very good at exploiting people who are vulnerable – like single parents. You don’t have to be paranoid, but be smart and maintain boundaries.

Secondly, not everyone you date or hang out with needs to be a part of your children’s life. And the people you do want in their life, don’t have to jump in full time or be alone with them right away. It’s important to take the appropriate time to let your kids and people you care about develop a relationship with each other. Your child isn’t going to automatically trust, or like someone, just because you do. Expect them to push them away and/or and test them. Respect your children’s right not to fall in love with someone just because you have.

Lastly, if the people you bring into their life, end up having to go away (i.e. a falling out or breakup), honor the loss and grief that your child will experience from this. They just lost someone too. Possibly even multiple someone’s if they met that person’s family. And they may have lost some hope that things were going to be “normal” for them.

But remember – take care of yourself separately. Don’t confuse YOUR grief with theirs and please do not expect your child to be YOUR emotional support. You need to be there for them, not the other way around.

Bringing new people into your kids’ life can be amazing. It creates an opportunity for more people to love and adore them. It creates unique opportunities to model for our kids what HEALTHY relationships, and even healthy coping and heartbreak, can look like. Let’s show our kids how to create healthy boundaries, build trust, and expect/demand the respect that we and they deserve. Let’s create healthier internal narratives for our future adults.

9) Learn the Systems.

Situations involving co-parenting can cross into many different systems that can be extremely difficult to navigate: Family Court, Friend of the Court, Child Welfare, Education, Financial Assistance, Mental Health/Substance Abuse, Law Enforcement, Jails/Prison/Juvenile Detention Centers, Probation/Parole, and more. Each of these have laws, rules, policies, procedures, protocols that have to be followed. What to know and expect can differ vastly as you cross different states, counties, districts or jurisdictions.

The systems are staffed by individuals with varying combinations of skills, experience backgrounds and perspectives. These individuals see families and situations like yours ALL the time. And while most of them DO care and genuinely want to help – that’s likely why they went into these fields – they are simply never going to care about your family the way you do.

Please don’t try to wing it and just hope everything goes your way. Ask lots of questions. READ the paperwork – all of it. And save it so you can reference it again later. Do your research. Find credible sources to learn more about the particular system you are trying to navigate. Follow up on things to make sure they are moving along as they should be.

And finally…..

10. DO NOT TRY TO DO THIS ALONE!!!!

Reach out to people who have been through it. Get professional help. Get legal help. Lean on your family and friends for support. Even the smartest, most educated, most confident, and hardest working people can get lost, or defeated, in this process. This is not a time to pretend like you have it all figured out – this is a time to learn as much as you can. You need to be as prepared and intentional as you can so you can be the #1 best possible advocate for yourself, your kid and your relationship with your kid.

The End. For Now…

I will stop there despite a million other things running through my mind that I could add or say better. Ill expand and refining these thoughts over time.

For now… I truly hope you found some nugget of helpful information somewhere in this list. My heart goes out to every co-parent out there – YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Your kid loves you and needs you more than you realize. <3

Love.Messy.Life.

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