Proactive Marriage Counseling: 4 Reasons You Should Try It

Shortly before my husband and I got married, we received an unexpected question: How would we feel about receiving a marriage counseling session as a wedding gift?

Marriage Counseling? Not exactly a traditional wedding gift. And not exactly a proposal we were expecting to consider so soon after HIS proposal.

The person wanted to share the gift because they had done it and found the experience to be valuable. It was extremely thoughtful – but we honestly weren’t sure what to think about it.

As someone who had made referrals for many other people to get counseling, I was somewhat predisposed to the idea. It wasn’t uncommon to hear me say, “Life is hard. Everybody needs a counselor.” But even I wasn’t sure about jumping into marriage counseling as newlyweds.

My husband-to-be was definitely not predisposed to the idea. He may have shook his head in passive agreement about other people going to counseling, but the idea of actually going to see a counselor himself!? Not really an idea he was in love with – no matter how much he loved me.

We put a LOT of thought and talk into it before giving an answer. We covered everything from “Why not? What could it hurt?” to “What if we cause ourselves problems by opening up a bunch of shit that didn’t need opening?”

Our fears ran the gamut, ranging from his end of the spectrum, ” What if I hate it? Or what if I’m really bad at it?” to mine, “What if he resents me and feels like I made him do this? What kind of start to a marriage would THAT be?”

Like most couples engaged to be married, we had no intention of ever considering divorce. Yet we knew how common failed marriages were and knew those people hadn’t planned on it either. We were familiar with the pain and havoc divorce can cause. We had also seen what it looks like when a marriage continues, but both people are miserable within it.

None of that sounded appealing.

In the end, together, we decided to accept the gift. The deciding factor? We liked the idea of seeing if a counselor could offer anything at the beginning of a marriage that could prevent “needing” one later. We preferred not to become a statistic and we wanted to protect our precious new marriage.

Plus if we hated it, we could just drop it.

During our first session, we explained that we were newlyweds, perfectly happy and didn’t have any current problems that needed fixing. We told our prospective counselor that we were seeking “Proactive Counseling.”

We fully expecting her to diagnose us as crazy on the spot. I mean – who shows up to counseling like that?

She did NOT diagnose as crazy. She actually praised our proactive approach and shared that she wished more couples would consider trying it instead of waiting until the damage was already done. And we began building our relationship with her.

Throughout our counseling experience, we saw her anywhere from weekly to quarterly to as needed. We found the process itself – dedicating specific, scheduled time to show up and intentionally reflect on our relationship – to be uniquely beneficial. There were interesting sessions, frustrating sessions, hard sessions, boring sessions, fruitless sessions, and sessions that didn’t reveal their value until much later.

We also had separate sessions. Each of us would work through individual issues with her and then come back together to discuss what we learned and how it may show up in our marriage.

We both found extraordinary value in our experience and have recommended it, both separately and together, to friends. And it’s not unusual that we express appreciation to each other for what we have learned and built through our “proactive counseling.”

To this day, we still “Hang out with Pat” – (which is how we title our counseling appointments on our calendar). We see her much less often now and only as needed, but we know where to go when we need her.

I’m not saying it’s a magic wand – you have to show up and want to get something out of it.

And I’m definitely not saying that we have it all figured out (trust me, we don’t). But we do think that being ok with that is part of what we learned.

While every person and every relationship is different, there are some things that I believe to be true no matter who you are. For those reasons PLUS my personal experience, I am a huge advocate that all couples should at least consider if counseling could help them in some way.

Before I dig into my list, I want to acknowledge and address a few of you who may be reading this and thinking it has nothing to do with you.

Perhaps your marriage is already be damaged, broken, or suffering. What if instead of “fixing” or “saving” your marriage, you think of it as building a brand new one together. Consider “proactive counseling” as a possible tool in this context.

Maybe your marriage is already over. The papers have been filed, the divorce is final, the ship has sailed. Consider what you have learned. Consider the idea of “proactive counseling” as a possible tool in future relationships – should you choose to pursue one.

Or maybe you’re not married, were never married and aren’t really sure if you ever will be married. Consider all of the relationships in your life – romantic or otherwise. Sure – this list focuses on marriage, but many of the points apply to any relationship.

Alright, let’s dig in:

Proactive Marriage Counseling: 4 Reasons You Should Try It.

#1 We All Have Issues

Part of life is that things happen to us. Some of those things are amazing. Some of them are really shitty. And some of them are somewhere in between. We are affected by each and every one of them.

Another part of life is that WE do things and the consequences of those things affect ourselves and other people. Some of those things are amazing, shitty, and somewhere in between.

And lastly, we are exposed to things. We see, hear, and learn about other people’s experiences. People we know, People we don’t. People we relate to, care about, or love deeply. We are affected by those things too.

All of this is just…..life.

The result of life being life is that we are constantly trying to navigate and deal with it. The range of ways that we do that varies widely and it gets complicated. Things that appear positive and healthy, may actually be quite harmful. Things that seem unhealthy in one way, may be effective and helpful in another.

At any given point, most of us are somewhere on the spectrum of trying to figure it all of out. And at the next point, something else has happened and we are doing it all over again.

It is messy and imperfect and no one has it all figured out.

We bring ALLLLLLLL of that, all of ourselves into our marriages. And the other person brings ALLLLLL of that, and all of themselves into our marriages. You are not perfect. Neither are they. And hey – that’s ok! It can actually be a relief to be rid of that expectation. But many of us have never really thought through how the way we deal with things (or don’t deal with them) may affect our significant other. Especially not over the course of an entire lifetime.

It’s important to recognize our issues are going show up and affect our marriage. Proactive Counseling can help you process and deal with individual issues so you identify where and how they are showing up in your marriage.

#2 Marriage Problems: It’s When, Not If

Since each of us bring all of our issues with us into marriage, it is only a matter of time before our issues bump heads with their issues. This is true of all relationships really, not just marriages, but the interdependence of marriage can often exacerbate the way in which we are impacted by each other.

For those who faced this inevitability early in their relationship and think you have that part figured out (like we did), we are then faced with the second inevitability: life goes on.

Life just keeps on happening! Careers, homes, kids, travel, health, deaths, finances, family and friends, habits and mistakes, successes and failures, the world around us – everything changes, including us. No one is married forever to the same exact person that they married.

Proactive counseling can help you keep a pulse on this, learn to adapt, and integrate strategies for continuously getting to know each other. This is important because most of us don’t want to be feel like we are married to a stranger. We want to feel known, seen, accepted and loved for who we are. Even (arguably, especially) as we change.

Before things blow up, you can come up with a game plan to try see things coming, prevent it, or mitigate the damage. You can recognize challenge areas and individual coping behaviors that don’t seem to mix well. You can think through common marital challenges (kids, in-laws, money, etc.) or specific things you worry about for your marriage – together.

And when things are happening that feel unsolvable or overwhelming- you have an established safe place to go to process it – together.

Most destroyed marriages were not the result of one event. And they are not one person’s fault. It is the culmination of little things and small events over time that lead to the big problems or slow dissolution of marriage.

Utilize counseling before the seeds that lead to bigger problems can take root.

#3 Love is Not Enough

Most marriages started with love and yet some lose it. Many marriages end even though the people in them still love each other. Love is why its worth it, but marriage takes more.

The idea of love not being enough to sustain a marriage really bothers people and I get it. It undermines the notion that “love can conquer all” and we DO NOT want to lose that belief. We cling desperately to it because it gives us hope. If we can just find love, everything else will be okay (or at least fine, or good enough). We will be safe. End of story.

But love is not an end game. And neither is marriage. It’s existence does not make anything or anyone perfect. And attaining it does not stop bad things from happening or protect us from pain and sorrow.

A”love will conquer all” mentality sets us up for failure because when things do inevitably get hard or go wrong, our logic itself is stacked against us. “This shouldn’t be happening,” we think. And we start in with all of the toxic, flawed explanations trying to make sense of it. I am not good enough. I am not worthy of love. They are not good enough. They are not worthy of love. WE were not enough. We were wrong. How could we be so foolish to believe that this was true love?

All of that is lies. We are all enough. Every single one of us is worthy of love. And all love is true.

I believe love is like water. It is everywhere. In us. Surrounding us. Constantly moving and changing everything it touches. It comes in many forms and states. It looks and feels different as we encounter it in new ways at different times in our life. And our experience with it is often reflective of our state of being when we encounter it.

We may get caught in a wave or fall in. We may slowly dip our toes in or make the choice to jump in. Other times, we don’t even want to get wet.

Love can quench our thirst and makes us feel revitalized. But it can also feel like we are drowning.

The point of this little metaphor is that like water, love is simultaneously beautiful, gentle, scary, unpredictable, powerful, and wonderous. It does not show up only once in our lives. It is active and affected by us just as we are affected by it. We can give it, and find it, a gazillion times in a gazillion different people, places, things and experiences. We need it to survive, it keeps us alive, and yet it is also dangerous.

It is a need that we all share which is why, like most human emotions and experiences, Love is better when it is shared.

THIS is where marriage can shine.

Marriage is choosing to SHARE love with a specific person every day. It is choosing to give love, receive love and create love together with that specific person. It is choosing to share your love of other people, places, things and experiences with that person. Marriage is holding hands and moving through life experiencing all of the new forms and depths of love that you find….together.

Sometimes we can just feel the love in our marriage. We know without a doubt that it is there, steadily and consistently being shared. Other times it’s not that easy. We have to ask for it. Stop withholding it. Dig deep and find the love that is buried deep down below the surface.

And the love has to flow both ways to survive. One person can’t drink for both people.

We can experience new love, more love, and deeper love because of the love we share in marriage. But marriage itself requires more. It requires empathy, vulnerability, forgiveness, trust, compromise, compassion and grit. It takes effort, work, and intention. It’s hard.

Love can exist in a marriage and still not be enough: it has to be actively shared by both people and the other pieces have to exist too. This does not make either person less worthy of love and it doesn’t make the love that was shared any less true.

Proactive counseling can help build the knowledge and skills you need to make sure you are both giving and receiving the love you need to survive.

#4 There is no “Easy Way”

In her TedTalk, “Rethinking Infidelity….a talk for anyone who has ever loved,” (which….I highly recommend, by the way) Esther Perel ends with a concept that has stuck with me: most of us are going to have multiple relationships in our lives. Some of us are going to have them with the same person. (Note: this is not an exact quote.).

If this marriage ends, your next relationship, or marriage, is not going to be easier or less challenge-filled. In fact, in many cases it can be harder and divorce just as possible as it was the first time around.

Listen…. despite the fact that I am advocating for taking efforts to protect marriage in this post, I do strongly believe that sometimes divorce is the right choice. The reasons for this belief will have to be saved for a later post but I will say this: there is a BIG difference between the compromise and mutual interests that come along with marriage and the loss or theft of dignity, safety, or self-worth.

That being said….I think people often give up or leave for the wrong reasons. Or when a marriage does end, they don’t take the time to deeply and genuinely reflect on it before charging ahead to the next person or thing.

They think they can find a better, or more compatible person, but do not understand how they came to choose all of the charms and flaws of this one.

They think they can build a better relationship next time, but have done none of the work to learn how they contributed to the failure of the current one.

They think they have learned and grown but have not considered how this relationship and this experience will show up in their future relationships and experiences.

Or they think they would just rather be alone. But they deny or minimize the reality that single people need human connection, companionship and love too. They haven’t thought through how they will fulfill these needs without harming themselves or other people.

The truth is, my friends, there is no easy way. Yes, marriage is hard. But so is any relationship. And so is being single. LIFE is hard.

Anything that you do to foster the maintenance and growth of your marriage, will include some discomfort and effort. But trust me, surviving whatever comes if you avoid marriage, or if your marriage ends, will be just as uncomfortable and take just as much effort.

It’s believing that there is some magical “easy way” that makes for a really disappointing life.

If divorce, unmarried or single life is is the right choice for you – great! Choose it.

If marriage is what you want – great! Choose it. And hey! Give proactive counseling a try – you just may be surprised by the ways it helps!

But don’t choose anything because you think it’s going to be easier. It’s not.

And whatever you decide…..Choose Love. Seek Love. GIVE Love. It may not conquer all or protect you from pain…but it DOES make it all worth it.

Love.Messy.Life.

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