But First, Truth: This is Me Showing Up

The thing I remember the most is the waiting.

Waiting for the truck to pull up…….Disappointment.

Waiting for the phone to ring……Excuses.

Waiting to see his face in the stands……. Can’t focus.

Waiting to hear his voice – is he really there? ……..No.

Waiting to find out what happened at court…..Pain. Rejection.

Waiting to feel like I was worth showing up for…….Despair.

The older I got, the more I was able to see and appreciate the many people who DID show up for me, instead of focusing only on the one who didn’t. I also learned to understand. And to forgive.

But childhood wounds run deep. And the waiting followed me into adulthood. Waiting to be let down. Waiting to be stood up. Waiting to be left. Waiting to be given up on. Waiting for that suspicion to be validated that I still wasn’t enough.

Healing is complicated and despite the work I’ve done over the years, those old fears still sneak in. And can you guess who I have the hardest time trusting!?

Myself.

One of the ways these fears manifest themselves in me is through a compulsive need to prove to others that I deserve to be in whatever space I’m in. It translates into things like overachieving, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and procrastination.

It took me a long time to realize that procrastination was related. At first glance, it seemed to be the opposite of the traits I listed above. It seemed lazy, irresponsible, and self-defeating. Not exactly a clear connection to the need to be validated and accepted. But when I took a closer look, I started to recognize familiar patterns and trends.

I delay starting things until I have everything figured out in my mind because I don’t want anything less than high-quality that I create to be seen by anyone, including myself.

I push things off because I’m overwhelmed and prematurely defeated by the amount of effort something is going to take in order to reach the high standard I expect of myself.

I don’t start because I’m not sure if I am good enough, or can do a good enough job. I would rather not do anything than take up space that I (or my work) is not deserving of.

And even when I do start things they often go unseen because it is safer than facing the possibility that others won’t think it is good enough or it will be misunderstood.

I remember being shocked when I first learned that this is not how everyone is. Some people just take up space with themselves, and their creations, without feeling the need to prove their worth. People do this even though they are not the best. They just don’t question that they have as much of a right to be there as anyone else.

This was so confusing to me. The audacity! The bravery! The….freedom!?

Wait a minute…. I want some of that.

Well….I’m not exactly there yet. Which is why it has taken me a year to launch this blog.

It started with this simple idea: I I love to write and create. I write and create allllll the time for work about things that I don’t always care to write or create about. What if I wrote about things I WANT to write about? What if I created things that I WANT to create? That might feel good. And hey, maybe I could even turn THAT into my “real” work someday. And even if I don’t, maybe sharing my writing and creations will help (or entertain) someone else and that’s a pretty cool idea too.

The little girl inside of me got excited. She loves writing and creating. It has always been her form of processing the world, expressing herself, and connecting with people.

So I started writing. Almost immediately I got overwhelmed by the fact that I couldn’t say everything I wanted to say, on every subject, perfectly, in every blog post I tried to create. Thoughts like “Someone might take this the wrong way” or “This doesn’t capture the the entirety of this complicated subject” or “What if people don’t think I’m credible enough to write about this?” would cause me to delete days and pages worth of writing.

I started researching other sites and blogging. I wanted this new blog to be more mature than my previous blog, more professional, and offer something for the readers. I immediately got overwhelmed again.

There is soooooo much to learn. Things like: domain names, hosts, themes, customization, formatting, blocks, widgets, plug-ins, security, legality, traffic monitoring, advertising, affiliate marketing, social media strategies, a million other things and oh, yeah- actual content creation. Content creation involves thinking, researching, writing, organizing, photography (selfies!? Aghhhh), proof-reading, editing, revising, etc.

How the hell am I going to learn to be as good at all of that as these other people who have been doing it for years? What’s the point of starting if I’m not?

My thought process went something like this: “There are so many blogs, the world doesn’t need another one – especially from me. I mean – who am I anyway? And even if I were to enter this space, I would need to be awesome at it in order to justify being there. And that’s impossible. I’m going to stick out as an amateur. I’m going to suck at some of these things because the only way to get better at them is experience being a professional blogger which… I’m not. So…. if I try, I’m a fraud and everyone will know it. This is a waste of time. I’m being silly to think I can. I shouldn’t do it.”

And I would stop working on it for days, weeks, months.

But that wounded little girl was still there inside of me…..waiting.

Waiting to write.

Waiting to create.

Waiting to explore and express herself.

Waiting to connect with the world in new ways.

Waiting to dream.

Waiting to exist without having to prove her worth.

I started thinking about how often I don’t show up for her. She is STILL waiting….after all these years. She needs to be loved, and taken care of, and supported in her dreams. She needs to know that she is worth showing up for.

I know that.

And yet I abandon her every time I put my “real” work above her passions. I abandon her every time I let my excuses, my vices, my “woe-is-me”s, and my fears carry more weight than her needs and dreams. I abandon her every time I decide that all of the things, and all of the people, and all of the reasons and justifications are more important than her.

Suddenly, I didn’t feel insecure anymore. I felt protective. Defiant.

The truth is….this blog is me stubbornly REFUSING to abandon that little girl anymore.

At it’s core: This is Me Showing Up.

For Me.

What are YOU waiting for?

How do you show up for yourself!?

Love.Messy.Life.

More about this blog: About Love.Messy.Life More about the author: About Lainey