Hey There Mama, I Still See YOU

Hey There Mama,

I just want you know that I still see YOU.

Even though you’ve added the Mama role to your life. Even though sometimes you’re not sure YOU are still in there to be seen.

I still see you when you’re slouched into the couch, unshowered and uncomfortable.

You barely recognize the body you’ve lived in your whole life. Everything is foreign: the shape of your belly and breasts and thighs, the size of your fingers and ankles, the feel of your skin, nails and hair.

Even that mole you’ve had forever seems to have moved and been joined by new, uninvited things like lines and stretch marks.

I know it can feel like you are no longer welcome here. Like you are just a guest in this expanded space of a body.

But I still see YOU.

In the mannerisms that are solely yours. The way you touch your face and move your fingers through your hair, the movement of your feet and fingers when your favorite song comes on, the tiny muscles around your eyes and lips as your expressions take shape, the look in your eyes when your soul comes alive, the way you hold your coffee cup and loved ones.

It is all uniquely you.

And YOU, mama, are more beautiful than ever. YOU are breathtaking.

I still see you when shit is hitting the fan and you want help.

The house is a mess. The deadlines are missed. The kids are alive but that’s about it. The things you promised yourself wouldn’t get pushed aside are long abandoned. You don’t feel like you’ve been really present for your people in god knows how long.

Someone asks you about next week and you realize you’re not even sure where you are supposed to be later today.

You’re wondering how you could have the audacity to ask for help when you haven’t done shit for anyone these days but you’re not sure what else to do at this point. It’s yourself you’ve abandoned the most.

I know you feel like too much and not enough at that same time. You’ve been trying to shield everyone from your struggle but feel like you are constantly failing and letting everyone down.

You know you shouldn’t feel ashamed but….. you feel ashamed anyway. You don’t recognize this person and you’re not so sure you like her.

But I still see YOU.

Holding on and fighting for the core of who you are. Letting go of the layers you’ve outgrown. Room is being made in your life for new priorities and purposelessness is being purged. You are remembering that we are not supposed to do any of this alone.

YOU, Mama, are everything you always were and more. YOU are worthy of love and support as you transform into fuller, more beautiful versions of yourself.

I ESPECIALLY still see you when you’re up too late at night, or too early in the morning, crying.

You’re a storm of emotions one moment and completely numb the next. You’re scared, depressed, angry.

You can’t stop thinking thoughts you are ashamed of – like the one where you run away for awhile without telling anyone where you are. Just for a couple of days.

Your dreams feel a million miles away and impossible to reach since being a Mama always has to come first right now. You hate that everyone around you seems to be carrying on just fine – thriving even – and you are here, in these ugly moments, alone.

You’re resentful and jealous – but then feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way – and just wish you could be like those moms who seem to embrace it all so gracefully.

I know, in these moments, you wonder if maybe you’re not cut out for this. You miss the strong, resilient woman you spent years working hard to become. You’re scared that maybe she doesn’t exist anymore or that maybe… she never really did.

But I still see YOU.

Digging deep, navigating the hard feelings and allowing the release of those heavy tears. You let yourself to fall apart, piecing yourself back together…. better. You stand up and face your days even when you have no idea how the hell you are going to make it through.

And you keep searching, demanding the universe expose the insights and beauty in the messiness of it all.

YOU, Mama, look stronger and more resilient than you ever have. YOU are incredibly inspiring.

Lastly, I still see you when you are in FULL-BLOWN Mama-mode.

Whether you are either dripping with kids or breast milk, at an appointment or scheduling one, changing a diaper or bloody practice gear…

You are LOVING IT. You’re drinking it up, cherishing it all, soaking it in. And you’re wondering when the switch happened where you would pick a day like this over any other kind of day and what that means for the dreams of yesterday.

But I still see YOU.

And YOU, Mama, are not losing yourself. YOU and all your dreams are still there. YOU are simply growing and deepening.

There are moments on this remarkable journey of motherhood that feel overwhelming and all-consuming. Like becoming a Mama is going to swallow us up whole. Like we are on an inevitable path to losing ourselves and everyone else is kind of ok with that.

There are messages in this world that tell us we are required to completely abandon ourselves in order to be a “good mom.” They tell us that in order to bring a child into this world, to foster their growth and well-being, and allow them to take up space they need, we must sacrifice our own growth, well-being and space.

These are all lies Mama. There’s enough space for each of us and ALL of our children.

There is no honor in the disappearance of our parent’s child just because we are now having our own.

There is no honor in showing our children that if they want children someday, they must choose to disappear.

Our children need to see that being a mother, being a parent, is not meant to be diminishing and all-consuming.

It expansive of joy and love and life. It is meant to be fulfilling.

So KEEP being beautiful and breathtaking. KEEP transforming into bigger, fuller and more beautiful versions of yourself. KEEP honoring your strength and resilience.

Even when you feel like you are being pulled onto the toxic conveyor belt of motherhood martyrdom…

REMEMBER:

YOU are not lost or abandoned.

YOU have not disappeared.

YOU are very much visible.

YOU are amazing exactly the way you are today…just as you were yesterday, and just like you will be tomorrow.

Even if you can’t see her right now Mama, I still see YOU.

And YOU…are Extraordinary.

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Love.Messy.Life.

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