Hunger Pangs

You’re crying again.

It’s piercing. I try to take deep breaths but my lungs must be punctured because I can’t seem to get any in.

It’s visceral and I feel afraid.

Like there are needles inside my body poking out through the pores of my skin and they are going to hurt you if I pick you up.

But suddenly you are in my arms anyway.

I don’t understand why you’re still crying because aren’t babies supposed to stop crying when their Mama’s pick them up?

Forever is passing.

I could have sworn you just ate but it must have been a long time ago because you seem to be starving and I wonder why I’m so bad at this.

My fingers shake as I try to unbuckle my straps, move you into position. I feel out of control. The world around me is fuzzy but I barely notice because all I can see is you.

You’re still crying when your tiny mouth finally reaches my chest but then –

The oxygen leaves the room with the light.

I try to gasp but there is nothing to breathe,

I try to look but there is nothing to see,

Just,

pain.

I’m not sure how much time has passed.

I become aware again and the needles are gone.

There is tension leaving my muscles and I wonder how long my shoulders have been touching my ears.

As I help them let down, I breathe in the air that has returned.

The air brings light and the blur dissipates.

My eyes fall back on you and my heart swells. You are everything.

My skin feels warm and tingly and wonderful and I forget all the pain

Because this is perfect.

Pure.

I am whole and

We are FULL.

Nothing else matters.