About Lainey

My Story

I have been trying to figure out humans since I was 4 years old going through my parents divorce.

My little world was full of broken hearts, family dysfunction, substance abuse, tension and fighting, custody battles, best friends and cousins, new happy marriages, tons of love, and more broken hearts.

It was all very confusing. I didn’t consciously understand any of it, of course. And yet, I understood far too much for my young age.

My struggle to understand what was happening around me expanded into bigger questions as I was growing up: Why do people do the things they do? Why do people do bad things and hurt the people they love? Why do people destroy their own lives and break their own hearts? Are some people just….bad? Or doomed to misery?

And what about me? Am I good or am I bad? Am I destined to hurt the people I love and break my own heart?

These questions entrenched themselves in every interest, relationship, milestone and decision in my life. Sometimes knowingly, but just as often unconsciously.

Writing became a safe space to be honest, work through things and to communicate what I couldn’t verbally. I read self-help books and crime novels in equal speeds and quantity. I became the advice-giving, corny-quote friend known for deep conversations about serious issues. I sought answers, and to conquer love, through my dating relationships. And I studied people: noticing the dynamics in myself and the multitude of relationships around me.

In high school, I loved psychology and English because it allowed space for this exploration of humanity. In college, I double-majored in two areas of Sociology: Criminal Justice and Social Psychology.

I landed a job in a field focused on helping people and it didn’t take me long to realize how little I still understood about this world and the people in it. But, through my experiences and professional development, I started to find some insight and answers to those childhood questions of mine.

I was forever changed during a trauma training. I began to grasp the concepts and science behind childhood and secondary trauma. I learned about the prevalence of adverse childhood experiences and their connection to real life outcomes. It felt like there were finally words that captured the human suffering I’d felt and observed. And – we aren’t doomed! Resiliency can be built, neural pathways can be re-wired, HEALING is possible.

I immersed myself in learning everything I could on the subjects and applying it in my personal and professional life. I have taken countless trauma trainings, worked with trauma experts, read tons of books and articles, and developed training content for others to learn about trauma and apply it in their work.

This passion sustained me in that job for longer than many, but when it became clear that I was burning out, I went back to school to “escape” the helping field. I sought a business degree this time: a Master’s in Human Resources and Organizational Development.

What I thought was an escape route from my study of people, was actually just a turning point. It became obvious that understanding people is important no matter what you do for work. All professions, all businesses, all fields – are dependent on people. You have to work with people, work for people, lead people who work for you. You serve people, create/design/build things for people, or sell to people. As humans, being interconnected with other humans, is pretty much inescapable.

So….my “escape plan” was a path right back to where I’ve always been: trying to understand humans and why we do the things we do.

It was here, in business school, that I was introduced to the concept of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). It struck a chord with me because it took what I understood about trauma and the brain, and expanded it to how the brain is involved in the emotions and behaviors of ALL humans: those who have experienced trauma AND those who have not. This information isn’t just helpful for those who are struggling the most, it’s helpful for EVERYONE!

My first thought was: Why is this not being taught to everybody, everywhere?

My second thought was: How is business school the first time I’m learning about this when I work in a field of people working to help people?

And my third thought was: If humans, collectively, could increase our EQ and be more trauma-informed, this world would be a better place.

I’ve never stopped thinking that third thought.

I bring my trauma and EQ lens with me everywhere. They are permanently attached to my worldview.

They help me in every capacity of my life. My current job, my marriage, my parenting, my daughtering, my friendships, and my relationship with myself.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out. I’m a constant work-in-progress. But I have accepted and embraced that to be human is to be imperfect and messy.

I share all of this because I know it will come through as I develop content and share stories for Love.Messy.Life. If you are taking the time to read what I share, you deserve to know where my passion comes from. 🙂