Surrender

I did not transition into pandemic life well. Honestly, 2020 kicked my ass.

All of my carefully thought out, best-laid plans about how to help myself adapt to being a new Mommy were totally scrapped. I had absolutely no clue how to do whatever it was I was doing during that time.

I knew I wasn’t alone in the experience. Many, many others were suffering. And many suffering far worse than anything I was going through.

But I felt alone.

My husband and I were doing the best we could to support each other, but the reality was that we were having two very different experiences. He was gone for most of the day, every day. I was home all day, every day.

The days blurred together and I worried about my ability to hold onto any scrap of who I was – let alone be a the Mom, wife, friend or employee I wanted to be. Or even a decent person for God’s sake.

I kept trying to regain some kind of control in my life but it wasn’t working. The attempts were becoming more desperate and pathetic.

I was scared.

It was on a night during the peak of this that I realized I had been just kind of staring out the window. I wasn’t really thinking or feeling – just staring. When I became aware of it, I remember thinking, “This is depression. I can’t live here. But I have no idea how to leave.”

The thunder outside was almost constant. Not the big, dramatic claps of thunder but the slow rolls that just seem to keep going and going and going – like nature itself can’t figure out how to settle. I could relate.

I felt the nudge. The one that tells me I need to write: NOW!

Poetry has always felt less like creativity or art for me, and more like a demand from the universe that I stop what I am doing and listen.

I’ve written poems for as long as I can remember but they always seem to write themselves. I have no idea if this will mean anything to anyone other than me. Poetry can be obscure. But I offer it up anyway as a gesture of love.

It's not until the lightning strikes
that I'm sure it's thunder.
Not my mind,
though they seem to rhyme.

The house shakes, 
but
I don't flinch.
My soul's been shaking
for a while now,
I like that they're
in sync.

It's kind of nice,
actually,
to feel connected to the outside.
Like my tears are shared,
she and I.
Strong but also 
scared.

Souls rumbling,
Foundation crumbling,
Only a glimpse
In fleeting flashes,
Of the cleanse taking place.
Of the shadows being drowned.

I feel her pain,
in my veins,
but the rain
has no rhythm.
Too soft,
When it is fast
Too loud,
When it is slow.
And I hear in my heart,
Just.
Let.
Go.

You don't run
this show.
The pain is sharp.
the storm,
hits hard.
The darkness deep,
but this light
is enough.
You do not need to see.
Listen.

Feel.
The melodies are here,
right where
they always were.
So heal.

Outside my window,
Nature quiets.
My soul suddenly still.
The ache remains
But steady.
Soft and slow,
Like it has caught up to the fury.
Made love
with the peace.
  
Just another lyric
In this song,
In this tune,
we must learn to hum.

Let it sink in. 
Through our ears, Through our skin. 
So it can finally touch
That tender place
Inside me. Inside you.
Where body, Meets mind, Meets soul
Where we know.
  
We are one.
With her.
With each other.

Surrender.